Simply_Nikki
Puritan Board Junior
I'm posting this here and not in the coffee shop or ladies tea parlor because I wanted to get the guys' and gals' opinions on this matter and because it will probably be a beneficial discussion for guests to view. The title of this post is taken from the title of an article found on boundless.org.
I've read a few articles on the boundless.org website about the initiation stage of dating/courting, and they are very much opposed to the idea of women initiating a relationship by asking the guy out. No matter how much she may be interested in him, no matter how total his oblivion is to her existence, no matter how much other people may think they'd be compatible; if he's not asking her, she should leave it at that. She should not go around to her friends asking them to ask him out for her, nor should she be overly assertive with her feelings by flirting; rather, she should either be content to be his friend* or she should put him out of her mind entirely.
When I talked with the wife of my former pastor about this, she believed that it was okay for a girl to ask a guy out given that the guy may just be shy or nervous.
While I understand, and for the most part, agree with the idea behind women as responders and men as initiators, I find that many men are not taught that they should be initiators. Influences of society says that it is okay for women to initiate relationships on her own terms with anyone she chooses just as men do (of course this does not mean it's okay). Society also teaches that men don't need to be in any hurry to look towards and prepare for marriage.
So the questions are:
1. How can these single women encourage men to start asking them out, without overstepping the initiator/responder distinction?
2. Do you believe this distinction is even valid?
3. For Men: If a woman were to ask you on a date would you feel that she was violating her role as a woman as a helper in a relationship? In other words, does her initiating necessarily mean she is taking on the role of leader?
I appreciate all of your responses in aiding all the frustrated ladies out there waiting on the sidelines (patiently and impatiently) while good christian men never think twice to consider them as potential spouses.
* When I say friend, I mean relatively distant, since it was also advised that women not be too close with guy friends because that can make the relationship confusing with the investment of emotional and physical time. The idea being that spending too much time with a member of the opposite sex is reminiscent of a courtship or marriage which can lead to unstated courtship/marriage like attachments.
I've read a few articles on the boundless.org website about the initiation stage of dating/courting, and they are very much opposed to the idea of women initiating a relationship by asking the guy out. No matter how much she may be interested in him, no matter how total his oblivion is to her existence, no matter how much other people may think they'd be compatible; if he's not asking her, she should leave it at that. She should not go around to her friends asking them to ask him out for her, nor should she be overly assertive with her feelings by flirting; rather, she should either be content to be his friend* or she should put him out of her mind entirely.
When I talked with the wife of my former pastor about this, she believed that it was okay for a girl to ask a guy out given that the guy may just be shy or nervous.
While I understand, and for the most part, agree with the idea behind women as responders and men as initiators, I find that many men are not taught that they should be initiators. Influences of society says that it is okay for women to initiate relationships on her own terms with anyone she chooses just as men do (of course this does not mean it's okay). Society also teaches that men don't need to be in any hurry to look towards and prepare for marriage.
So the questions are:
1. How can these single women encourage men to start asking them out, without overstepping the initiator/responder distinction?
2. Do you believe this distinction is even valid?
3. For Men: If a woman were to ask you on a date would you feel that she was violating her role as a woman as a helper in a relationship? In other words, does her initiating necessarily mean she is taking on the role of leader?
I appreciate all of your responses in aiding all the frustrated ladies out there waiting on the sidelines (patiently and impatiently) while good christian men never think twice to consider them as potential spouses.
* When I say friend, I mean relatively distant, since it was also advised that women not be too close with guy friends because that can make the relationship confusing with the investment of emotional and physical time. The idea being that spending too much time with a member of the opposite sex is reminiscent of a courtship or marriage which can lead to unstated courtship/marriage like attachments.
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