August 18, 1587. I have long been troubled by my want of knowledge, but I see that I have not cause of grief from thence only. But I and my friend[63], falling yesternight into a special conference about our estate, I found that much decay of care, zeal, and watchfulness is grown uppon me. For times have been when I was no sooner risen from bed and board but I was immediately with the Lord in meditation about my self, or seeking the good of some others, or in company profitable.
As for dealings in the world about commodities or further licentiousness in things unlawful, I weaned my self from them, and had no liking of many things which I see many people to go after and godliness to be meanly followed. This I have seen, though hardly I could yield or consent to it, and that any good means were neglected by me. Now I see that these have been the cause, and that very justly, why I have seen my study go so ill forward, and so small blessing to have been granted me therein. I see also that for these causes my God hath taken from me much comfort, and my gift in conference is much abated.
We complain that many things are amiss in our lives, but we can see no cause for it. But this is a very common thing with good men that when they come to have dealings, occupyings (jobs), and families, much of their delight is employed uppon them which was wont to be given to the Lord, and yet all was thought to be too little. And the Apostle, in I Corinthians 7, hath taught us that as single men bestow all their care on how they may please the Lord, so the married men have commonly their care, without especial grace, on how they may grow on togither and prosper. By means whereof coldness and negligence grows upon them before they be aware.
Besides, we may observe by experience that even the most zealous people do somewhat, in time, decline and wax remiss in caring for the matters of God. So that no prayer may be more meet and right for a good Christian than this -- that God would keep us in our age from the corruptions of the times and of the world.
For full soon a man falls to be like others, and there is great force and strength in the times and persons with whom we live.
When we enjoy our peace, liberty, and other commodities uppon such conditions as the times do often offer unto us, it is to be feared that we yield to some things that we should not.
For mine own part I see cause to fear this in my self, and I hope I will look more diligently to my self than I have done and wean my self from some lawful profiles and pleasures, so as to be much more conscious of such things as be unlawful, yea even of my thoughts which delight in things that ought not to be.
[63] Probably [Ezekiel] Culverwell.
No problem, brother! 