Feeling like an orphan. Discouraged and heartbroken.

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Jonathan95

Jonathan95

Puritan Board Sophomore
Forgive me. I don't mean to post something here that is a downer, so to speak. But I was in the midst of prayer and I'm just so stressed out.

I hate that I am a child without godly parents. I hate that I have had to learn most things on my own. That I was never given direction for anything. Raised without a day and a mom that is against the LORD.

I read books by a bunch of dead guys and relate more to them than anyone else in my life.

I don't know how to put one for in front of the other. I don't know how to find a mentor. I barely trust men. I was surrounded by women my whole life. I dont know what to do most days.

I have questions and I post them here and I feel terrible because I should have people in my church that I can go to.

I dont know how to date. Or if I even should. I don't know how to know when I would move out. I don't want to leave my mom alone..

I'm sorry I have many many thoughts and concerns and I wish I could call my dad and say hey, you've been walking with Christ longer than I have. What do you think?

That doesn't exist for me. It never has. And I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm not looking for responses really. Just, if you read this, please pray for me. Entreat the Lord on my behalf and ask that something happen to help me. Because i feel very very stressed. And am tempted to much despair, anger, and am in danger of just wanting to give up.
 
Jonathan95 said:
Forgive me. I don't mean to post something here that is a downer, so to speak. But I was in the midst of prayer and I'm just so stressed out.

I hate that I am a child without godly parents. I hate that I have had to learn most things on my own. That I was never given direction for anything. Raised without a day and a mom that is against the LORD.

I read books by a bunch of dead guys and relate more to them than anyone else in my life.

I don't know how to put one for in front of the other. I don't know how to find a mentor. I barely trust men. I was surrounded by women my whole life. I dont know what to do most days.

I have questions and I post them here and I feel terrible because I should have people in my church that I can go to.

I dont know how to date. Or if I even should. I don't know how to know when I would move out. I don't want to leave my mom alone..

I'm sorry I have many many thoughts and concerns and I wish I could call my dad and say hey, you've been walking with Christ longer than I have. What do you think?

That doesn't exist for me. It never has. And I don't know what to do or how to feel. I'm not looking for responses really. Just, if you read this, please pray for me. Entreat the Lord on my behalf and ask that something happen to help me. Because i feel very very stressed. And am tempted to much despair, anger, and am in danger of just wanting to give up.
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I am in the same boat as far as family. I don't have a single relative (even counting grandparents and cousins) that trusts in the Lord, my brother seemed to have known the Lord for a while, but has recently turned away.
You recently posted about your career concerns, as your pastor wanted you to remain in a low paying coffee shop ministry job, instead of taking a higher paying secular job. After reading what you have said here, I believe that you might want to consider staying at the coffee shop, at least you would have believers around that you can talk to about these things. Don't be afraid to bring up these concerns to men in the Church, there are many people going through these same issues.
 
My dear friend, I'm somewhat in the same boat.
My parents, yes, they are saved and I have a very close relationship with them. Theologically speaking, they are free will, and dispensationalists. So we don't see eye to eye on that one.

My wife on the other hand, wonderful woman. However, she's done all but renounced her faith. She doesn't come to church, rarely if ever reads her bible. I still bring up the odd topic of my readings from time to time and pray often for her.

When you don't have support at home...it makes the Christian life tough. And as mentioned above, while I won't discourage you from going for the other career, maybe for the time being, the coffee shop would be the most supportive. Providing they are actually, supportive.
 
rookie said:
My dear friend, I'm somewhat in the same boat.
My parents, yes, they are saved and I have a very close relationship with them. Theologically speaking, they are free will, and dispensationalists. So we don't see eye to eye on that one.

My wife on the other hand, wonderful woman. However, she's done all but renounced her faith. She doesn't come to church, rarely if ever reads her bible. I still bring up the odd topic of my readings from time to time and pray often for her.

When you don't have support at home...it makes the Christian life tough. And as mentioned above, while I won't discourage you from going for the other career, maybe for the time being, the coffee shop would be the most supportive. Providing they are actually, supportive.
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I shall also pray for your wife. Thank you.
 
Jonathan, I do get the sense that you probably love and appreciate your pastors and your church, but also feel a bit lonely there; for doctrinal reasons, maybe others? I could be misreading, forgive me if so.
 
Jeri Tanner said:
Jonathan, I do get the sense that you probably love and appreciate your pastors and your church, but also feel a bit lonely there; for doctrinal reasons, maybe others? I could be misreading, forgive me if so.
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I wouldn't necessarily say doctrinal. I'm just very intense. Especially when it comes to Scripture and Holiness. And I would venture to say that church doesn't feel.. I don't know. Deep? It's not shallow in a way where they are suppressing truth but they put getting the gospel out and evangelism way above the members themselves. Does this make sense?

Like, yes! We have to get out there and proclaim the Gospel. And as soon as a convert comes about then we send them out as well. Like people are so busy being sent out that we don't really know each other in the church. At least, I dont. Been there for almost 3 years. Just became an official member and I still feel so isolated. I don't know. I don't want to put it all on them. I'm sure I could be doing more to foster familial ties with fellow believers. I just don't know how to even begin.
 
Remember that Almighty God has designed your life for a very specific purpose. Perhaps you already see it, maybe not yet. When I suffer bouts of doubt I know the Lord is not only strengthening my faith but my utter dependence on him, which destroys my pride, another issue I have. Jonathan you certainly can't suffer through this by yourself, or with any other human. Rely on the Lord. That's not say to say the Lord can't comfort you with his saints. I was blessed with a church that has a zeal for holiness and testing themselves by Scripture. Unfortunately even the churches with most robust and sound Confession don't always act like it. I would recommend you check out the RPCNA and OPC churches near you. Not so you leave your church, but to hopefully find saints zealous for the Lord, his Word, and people.
 
Jeri Tanner said:
I ask because I took the liberty to check a few things out and see there is an OPC church near you (North Andover) that has a 5 pm evening service. https://mvpc-opc.org/ It might be refreshing and a blessing to get over there sometime.
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I would echo this. I think it would be wise to attend there at least on occasion. Make some connections. There are some very godly people in the OPC.
 
My family and I have only one other Reformed-ish family member and been very lonely in our denomination. We have been there 10 years and only my husband has made one actual close friend. This is due to cultural and theological reasons, I think.

This year, due to frustration with being "outsiders" in our church, we started attending social events at a CanRC in our city and have met a great bunch of people and even started making friends there. [The social situation is also why I joined the Puritan Board; however, off-and-on health reasons have kept me from being active here, sadly].

I second (third? fourth?) the suggestions to check out another church's evening services if possible. I'd offer my phone number to you if it wasn't long-distance and out of country.
 
@Jonathan95,

Much of what you have shared here I can sympathize with.

I was a young Christian (and something of a fool) when my dad kicked me out of the house. My mum, whom I believe to be mentally unstable, had invented some rather bizarre slander against me.

Since that time I have had very little contact with my family. I have three siblings, including one with whom I shared my mother's womb, who do not speak to me. I can only imagine what they've been told about me.

I was raised church-going (usually) but godless and moralistic. I had very weak foundation. When crisis came, I was badly shaken.

And now, years later, I can say that my dad kicking me out was the best thing that ever happened to me. God brought me out of a godless home, he cut me loose from those binds, I was freed. I came after some twists and turns to discover Reformed truths.

A couple of pieces of advice here. First, know that God is working in your life. You don't see anything now but what's in your immediate field of vision. Keep climbing, and once you get the top of the hill, or even halfway up, you'll be able to look back and get a sense of how far you've come.

Be wary of any inclination to self-pity. That won't help you any. In my own situation, the temptation has been strong at times. I could blame my family for a lot, but I'd do better to take responsibility for myself. It's also important to keep things in perspective. Read a book like Fair Sunshine.

If you are not already, get attached to a solid church and find solid Christians to help you. It was more seasoned Christians that God used to keep me afloat.

Sing the psalms. You'll find great comfort there. "The voice of Christ and his people," Augustine said, "is well nigh the only voice to be heard in the psalms." Calvin famously called them an "anatomy of all the parts of the soul." I recommend his commentaries on the psalms as well.

Providentialy, I just sang Psalm 27. That psalm has indeed been dear to me. Today I sang it and thought of you.

You are not alone, brother.
 
Tom Hart said:
@Jonathan95,

Much of what you have shared here I can sympathize with.

I was a young Christian (and something of a fool) when my dad kicked me out of the house. My mum, whom I believe to be mentally unstable, had invented some rather bizarre slander against me.

Since that time I have had very little contact with my family. I have three siblings, including one with whom I shared my mother's womb, who do not speak to me. I can only imagine what they've been told about me.

I was raised church-going (usually) but godless and moralistic. I had very weak foundation. When crisis came, I was badly shaken.

And now, years later, I can say that my dad kicking me out was the best thing that ever happened to me. God brought me out of a godless home, he cut me loose from those binds, I was freed. I came after some twists and turns to discover Reformed truths.

A couple of pieces of advice here. First, know that God is working in your life. You don't see anything now but what's in your immediate field of vision. Keep climbing, and once you get the top of the hill, or even halfway up, you'll be able to look back and get a sense of how far you've come.

Be wary of any inclination to self-pity. That won't help you any. In my own situation, the temptation has been strong at times. I could blame my family for a lot, but I'd do better to take responsibility for myself. It's also important to keep things in perspective. Read a book like Fair Sunshine.

If you are not already, get attached to a solid church and find solid Christians to help you. It was more seasoned Christians that God used to keep me afloat.

Sing the psalms. You'll find great comfort there. "The voice of Christ and his people," Augustine said, "is well nigh the only voice to be heard in the psalms." Calvin famously called them an "anatomy of all the parts of the soul." I recommend his commentaries on the psalms as well.

Providentialy, I just sang Psalm 27. That psalm has indeed been dear to me. Today I sang it and thought of you.

You are not alone, brother.
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Thank you. All of you. Your words have resonated with me deeply. I praise God for my life. And pray that He grows me to look more like His Son with each passing day. Again, thank you.
 
Tom Hart said:
Sing the psalms. You'll find great comfort there. "The voice of Christ and his people," Augustine said, "is well nigh the only voice to be heard in the psalms." Calvin famously called them an "anatomy of all the parts of the soul." I recommend his commentaries on the psalms as well.

Providentialy, I just sang Psalm 27. That psalm has indeed been dear to me. Today I sang it and thought of you.
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Tom I also grew up in a dysfunctional home so I appreciate your wise comments here. And you are right it is the truths of Reformed Theology - the Triune God, Providence, Covenant etc - that give solid grounding for the trials of life. Also agree that singing the Psalms, and meditating on them, enriches the soul. Thank you for that recommendation of 'Fair Sunshine'. I love the Covenanters so a book on their practical godly lives will be helpful too.

Hey Tom, it sounds like a Canadian and a Kiwi are fully agreeing on things. Does that meet the Biblical definition of a miracle? :D
 
Jonathan, you have been given much good advice and I trust that blesses you. In times of trial, two books by the Puritan Richard Sibbes help and encourage me. When Dr Lloyd-Jones was going through some big trials, he said this "I found at that time that Richard Sibbes... was an unfailing remedy. His books The Bruised Reed and The Soul's Conflict quietened, soothed, comforted, encouraged, and healed me." Great advice.

To help you meditate on those scriptures that will help and comfort you use a good book on Biblical meditation. Here are a couple of examples
Solitude Improved by Divine Meditation (Nathaniel Ranew) and
How Can I Practice Christian Meditation? (Joel Beeke)
 
@Jonathan95

I am sympathetic with your situation, brother, and many others here are as well and have given good counsel.

Let me offer you a different perspective, though: rather than lamenting that you don't have Christian parents (or other family members), praise God that He has called you to Himself. You deserve, as do we all, nothing but wrath and judgment; instead, God has shown you mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Look at how remarkable it is that though you did not have a Christian upbringing, the Lord has brought you to Himself by the blessed Holy Spirit.

And so now, you have the opportunity ultimately to be a part of a new line in your family faithful to Christ. You can serve Him with all that's in you, if it's His will marry a Christian woman and bring forth children for His glory. Your children will not say "I had no Christian parents." It has to start somewhere if a line is going to call upon the name of the Lord. And God has chosen to begin it with you: what a blessing! What a privilege.

So, as downcast as the enemy (the devil, the flesh and the world) might suggest you should be, I encourage you to be full of the joy of the Lord, knowing that He has made you His own, you whose parents are aliens to the promises of God, He has plucked you from the pit, placed your feet on the rock and put a new song of praise in your mouth.

Jonathan, you were heading for hell and know you are heading for heaven. Thanks be to God! As Heidi said, "The Father Himself loves you!" Brother, that's wonderful, something to rejoice about, something to praise Him for!

This does not make all sorrow vanish, but it certainly contextualizes it. A man who has come to Christ and not brought up in the Christian faith should give great thanks to God for such ceaseless mercy and grace.

Peace,
Alan
 
Alan D. Strange said:
@Jonathan95

I am sympathetic with your situation, brother, and many others here are as well and have given good counsel.

Let me offer you a different perspective, though: rather than lamenting that you don't have Christian parents (or other family members), praise God that He has called you to Himself. You deserve, as do we all, nothing but wrath and judgment; instead, God has shown you mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Look at how remarkable it is that though you did not have a Christian upbringing, the Lord has brought you to Himself by the blessed Holy Spirit.

And so now, you have the opportunity ultimately to be a part of a new line in your family faithful to Christ. You can serve Him with all that's in you, if it's His will marry a Christian woman and bring forth children for His glory. Your children will not say "I had no Christian parents." It has to start somewhere if a line is going to call upon the name of the Lord. And God has chosen to begin it with you: what a blessing! What a privilege.

So, as downcast as the enemy (the devil, the flesh and the world) might suggest you should be, I encourage you to be full of the joy of the Lord, knowing that He has made you His own, you whose parents are aliens to the promises of God, He has plucked you from the pit, placed your feet on the rock and put a new song of praise in your mouth.

Jonathan, you were heading for hell and know you are heading for heaven. Thanks be to God! As Heidi said, "The Father Himself loves you!" Brother, that's wonderful, something to rejoice about, something to praise Him for!

This does not make all sorrow vanish, but it certainly contextualizes it. A man who has come to Christ and not brought up in the Christian faith should give great thanks to God for such ceaseless mercy and grace.

Peace,
Alan
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This brought much joy to my soul! Thank you! Praise God for sending light to dark spaces.
 
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