A Biblical Response to having a Quarrelsome, Fretful Wife

Jonathan95

Jonathan95

Puritan Board Sophomore
Proverbs 21:9, 19

A man who finds himself in this situation will have to be in much prayer, seeking the wisdom of God.

What are particular encouragements and/or advice for the poor soul who would rather die in the desert?
 
For starts, ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment as to what's going on in her heart. A believer may ask of her, "How may I be a more Christ-like husband to you?" Sometimes it may be a matter of the husband needing to change – we are often unaware of how our own attitudes and ways impact the hearts of our wives, who may be suffering under them.

In any event, the Lord answers prayers for wisdom and discernment.
 
My wife is showing less and less evidence of salvation. Both in her life interests and language. But from my observations, we still have a strong marriage and she doesn't prohibit me from going to church when I can attend. I pray every day for her salvation, knowing full well, it's out of my hands. My testimony, and daily bible reading in front of her will only go so far. I need His hand in this.
 
With so many unknowns it would be hard to advise this person. As I get older I am more careful about giving it myself.

Steve's stuff was solid.

Some general advice-

He may already realize that there is nothing he can directly do to control her. She's not a child he cant put in her room.

Make sure her emotions are validated. "You're sad", "You're angry" or "you're feeling melancholy". This doesn't mean he necessarily agrees with the reasons informing her emotions but she knows that he can see that she's feeling lousy. He should keep "I" statements out of it about how he feels or thinks about her, or what she thinks. He shouldn't say "I think you're angry", "I feel you are..." or "I am really tired of...". After doing that with a spouse once or twice he should back off so she doesn't feel manipulated. Try emotional validation again after a day or two. In a relatively short time she may start volunteering information. He may not like the underlying causes but he'll have more data about them.

She, like most other people, may want help but bristle at being "fixed." Our attempts to help others, even when we do care deeply, often end up being more about quelling our anxiety. He should be aware of that.
 
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Jonathan, @Jonathan95 , the situation you speak of has been on my heart and mind for a while. It makes a big difference whether she is a believer or not. If not, it may be harder, but there is still hope; the God with whom we have to do raises the dead to life. If she is a believer already, there is more hope.

A crucial thing is that you be able to communicate with her – and she with you. It's when there is no connection is when things can go from bad to worse. This is why the question re being a more Christlike husband I suggested can be helpful – as if it is you that she reacting to, she would likely take the occasion to let you know about it.

And even if not you, there may be some trauma in her past that is now coming to the fore – feeling safe enough to act out what she is troubled by – and you may find yourself in some drama you had no part in, even though it seems to be directed at you now. It may be that the Lord has you in her life to rescue her from what torments her – the Spirit of Christ in your heart enabling you to love even when she is unlovable. For a genuine Christian woman to act like that there has to be a deep root of anger, hurt, mistreatment, and pain welling up. For if she is a Christian, you will have an Ally in her for her healing.

And even if not a Christian, she may be deeply responsive to you if she senses you mean her well despite the abuse she dishes out (an old axiom; hurt people hurt people). That may even be shocking to her. And loving someone clearly undeserving of love (is this not the case with all of us who are saved?) will be an occasion used by the Lord for your own growth in sanctification and godliness.

Don't give up on her. Seek understanding. Patience. Compassion. All the unexpected things in such a situation. Show her random acts of kindness and care. What does she like? Dinner out? Help with chores in the home? Encouraging words? Are there any things you can praise and thank her for? Surely she does have some good qualities.

Be Christ to her.
 
Jonathan95 said:
Proverbs 21:9, 19

A man who finds himself in this situation will have to be in much prayer, seeking the wisdom of God.

What are particular encouragements and/or advice for the poor soul who would rather die in the desert?
Click to expand...
Try to look at her whole big picture. ….

It took us over 20 years, but I always had my suspicions. …. That my wife’s mother was a major trigger for her. She finally realized she needed to cut her off. It’s was an abusive relationship.

For you…. What are her stressors? We need some info brother. People aren’t Quarrelsome and Fretful for no reason. How about marriage counseling, second to consulting with your pastor?
 
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